Depression has almost roped me in. I’m struggling daily not to let it get a hold of me. I’m running out of energy. I hate this weakness. Loathe, even.
I am trying so hard keeping up with school. Keep up with household. Keep up with kiddos, all while trying to gain freelancing gigs. It’s an extremely competitive world out there and if you haven’t had experience you get looked over. I understand it’s hard to put trust in a newbie. I thought I had it. It’s a disappointment. I feel disappointed in myself.
I feel like Atlas who carries the world on his shoulders as punishment.
I don’t have support. No family or friends to give me relief for a moment.
I don’t even know why I wanted to start school. I’m stressed all the time. I’m not enjoying it as I thought I would. It’s becoming too much. And it’s not good for me health wise. My grades are starting to reflect that.
When you do everything for everybody and get no appreciation for it, it can make you bitter and start to feel resentment. I don’t feel heard or listened to. I feel pushed aside. On the back burner. Only when I’m a convenience or if it benefits them.
That saying “you get what you put in”, no, not necessarily. Or “you reap what you sow”, that either. I put my heart, mind, and soul into everything I do. My family means more than they will ever know. Whatever makes them happy, it’s who I am. Sometimes I have to wonder though, when will it be my turn to feel happy? I feel selfish and guilty even asking that.
A person can only take so much until enough is enough. But when is it enough? When do you know that it’s enough?
I’m trying to find a way out of depressions reach. Trying to find things to do to keep my mind occupied. Drained. I feel drained.
Exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically.