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Midnight SoC

Depression has almost roped me in. I’m struggling daily not to let it get a hold of me. I’m running out of energy. I hate this weakness. Loathe, even.

I am trying so hard keeping up with school. Keep up with household. Keep up with kiddos, all while trying to gain freelancing gigs. It’s an extremely competitive world out there and if you havenโ€™t had experience you get looked over. I understand it’s hard to put trust in a newbie. I thought I had it. It’s a disappointment. I feel disappointed in myself.

I feel like Atlas who carries the world on his shoulders as punishment.

I don’t have support. No family or friends to give me relief for a moment.ย 
I don’t even know why I wanted to start school. I’m stressed all the time. I’m not enjoying it as I thought I would. It’s becoming too much. And it’s not good for me health wise. My grades are starting to reflect that.

When you do everything for everybody and get no appreciation for it, it can make you bitter and start to feel resentment. I don’t feel heard or listened to. I feel pushed aside. On the back burner. Only when I’m a convenience or if it benefits them.

That saying “you get what you put in”, no, not necessarily. Or “you reap what you sow”, that either. I put my heart, mind, and soul into everything I do. My family means more than they will ever know. Whatever makes them happy, it’s who I am. Sometimes I have to wonder though, when will it be my turn to feel happy? I feel selfish and guilty even asking that.

A person can only take so much until enough is enough. But when is it enough? When do you know that it’s enough?

I’m trying to find a way out of depressions reach. Trying to find things to do to keep my mind occupied. Drained. I feel drained.
Exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

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Author:

Mom | Wife| Writer/Blogger| Photographer | Student Hey y'all! I started this blog as a way to express myself and be creative. I really have no idea what I'm doing๐Ÿ˜ž I hope to have a better idea soon. I'm a student studying fine arts and creative writing. I love photography and I like putting short stories to pictures. I may also blog about personal schtuff! Just trying to get the hang of putting endless thoughts into understandable words. I'm a homeschooling mom of boys and wife to a retired combat veteran and within my writings you will find a little bit of everything. I'll share my thoughts and opinions, maybe some read worthy rants and recipes! So if you'd like to read about my random rambles grab your favorite liquid or snack, kick off your shoes (safely), have a seat and enjoy!

27 thoughts on “Midnight SoC

  1. So glad I found this post. You wrote it about the time I withdrew from my blog a bit, else I would’ve read it sooner.

    What I think you’re feeling is one of my root causes as well. Loneliness. Thing is, it’s not even that we’re alone per se. You have family you love same as I do. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough.

    “I don’t have support…. I donโ€™t feel heard or listened to. I feel pushed aside.”

    For me, these few lines capture the essence of the problem. You’ve given me much to think about for my next post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You were given the best advices here so I’m going to give you my hugs this time. I hope you’re feeling better than when you write this post. Just remember that no matter how big your loneliness is for whatever reasons, know that you have a bigger God…I’m praying for you…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Whether it is spoken out loud or not, everything you do is noticed. Your children notice what you do for them, your children watch as you go back to school and that will stay with them. I understand the struggle, I have 4 children of my own and now have a spouse struggling with PTSD. There seems very little time for me. Wish I had an answer on how to make it better but the only thing I can tell you is to just keep trying. Find something small that brings you joy and do it, eventually you can build on that. Good luck with school, your family and your freelance jobs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen your comment. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. My spouse is also struggling with PTSD. He is a retired combat veteran.

      Like

  4. Realize that by going back to school, you are attempting to further yourself for you. You aren’t doing this for anyone else, although your example will help your children realize that education is a priority for your family. I know. I went back to college because my degree in Music Performance was not going to get me a job. I had the skill, but for every position there were thousands of entries. SO I went back. My babysitter quit, so the kids came to class with me, and they waited in the corner of the room with coloring books and crayons, and books to read until my husband could get there.
    Both of my children have Masters now. One owns her own home. The other is saving for one, but he has his dream job to inspire him.
    I became handicapped by MS. All my dreams went out the window. I had to recreate myself more than once. I gave up more than once. No support. So, I got myself a new goal. I’m still working on it. But I am capable of doing this because you only lose when you give up. Yes, you will face depression, and somedays you will fall on your face. But, my dear, know that an invisible woman believes in you and what you can do. Write when the depression hits, have a good cry, and know you are not alone.
    Generations of women face what you face. You represent them. Good beautiful and true believes in you. You’ll make this work. I know you can. I know because I did, and god help me, my mother did. She went back to school at 35 and in 6 years did what no one thought she could do. She earned a BS, MS and a PhD. She did it in six bloody years of burnt meals, teenagers (four of them) and she’s the reason I got my Masters. It’s hard to live up to those standards, but we came out of extreme poverty and bless her soul, her mother and grandmother set the standards.

    Set your goals, smile because it makes everyone wonder what you are up to, do your best and if you fall down, realize it’s okay. Cry when you need to. Do your homework. Love your children and be gentle with them. Do your studies and make them study at the same time. Set some chores for them. Tell them why chores are important. Become a team. Write to us. Write when you can. You are loved.

    I told you all this because I was facing the fear that I would suicide because of the pressure. But I knew that would be giving up. I got help from a good doctor. Better living through chemistry. I have to keep standing up, and now I fall down for real LOL. Women are tough. We keep going because that is what we do.

    Be strong, be loving. It will all fall into place.
    Ann

    Liked by 2 people

    1. *tears* thank you so much for this pep talk. It does amaze me what us women overcome to get where we want to be in life. You have some very good points and I will be utilizing them well! Your story is very heartfelt and I am so glad you are here to give me this pep talk that I so much needed! Thank you. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The first thing you need to do is see yourself in a positive loving light, you are worthy of respect, appreciation and love, but, you have to learn to love yourself first, think of all the things you are doing for everyone else, what do you do for yourself ? When you love and appreciate yourself your whole world will turn around…..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for that. I am often told I seem to have confidence of a lion! I’m not sure I agree as I am not a male! ๐Ÿ˜€ But I know what they mean. I feel I have to be the confident or strongest one. But I get it. You can only be strong for so long. I am working on loving myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Barefoot momma I am so sorry to hear you are depressed. I’m sending you warm sunshiny hugs from Indonesia โค โค ๐Ÿ™‚

    Depression has been bothering me frequently too as a result of my move to a foreign country. I've learned to manage it with all sorts of tricks but I think the biggest relief I get is to just say to myself "life isn't perfect and sometimes it will suck big time". Reading this post of yours makes me wanna encourage you to go give yourself some TLC right now – don't wait for anybody else to do it for you – in the form of a treat or two. It doesn't have to be huge or costly, just something that will put you in a better place. Go ahead, hit the pause button and fill up your tank yourself.

    I wish you the best โค ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you your encouraging words. You’re right, life definitely isn’t perfect. As much as we strive for it. You are brave and strong even moving to a foreign country! I’m not sure how I’d fathom being somewhere different from what I’m used to! I wish you the best as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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